Prima Materia
Age: 36, Male
From: Brooklyn, New York, United States
Family Status: single (never married), without children
Religious Practice: Shomer Mitzvot
Religious Background: from a religious family
Ethnicity: ashkenazi
Additional Background Information
Consider relocation? Maybe
Wishing to make aliyah to Israel? No
Jewish Education: yeshiva/seminary
Secular Education: some university
Languages Spoken: English, Yiddish
Political Beliefs: right wing
Occupation: Social Services / Financial Sector
Hobbies and Interests: Philosophy, Psychology, Nature, Meaningful movies, Soul moving music, Jogging, Enlightening conversations & unique perspectives, Writing, MBTI, Wine & Bourbon enthusiast, Perusing insightful dating profiles, appreciating the multitude of life’s joys.
Physical Attributes
Height: 180 cm/5' 11"
Build: athletic
Do you smoke?: no
Religious Practice
Frequency of Torah Study: daily
Frequency of Tefilah: three times daily
Kippa: black velvet kippa
Tzitzit: always
What Shomer Mitzvot means to me
True Torah Judaism is about recognizing and embodying the SOUL of Torah along with the BODY of Torah.
This is how I describe myself:
Hi there, welcome to my world! Kick off your shoes, grab a diet coke, turn up the smooth jazz, sit back and relax. All comfy? Great! You are about to embark on a mind-bending adventure. ;-)
FYI: Prima Materia means “the richer material" of who we are. Think of it as our neshoma - our soul. “The vital self whose unique creative path provides us with a joyful, exuberant experience in our lives.”
I am starting my new updated profile with my passions, mindset, and worldview otherwise known as my Hashkofa. I believe that who we are is primarily defined by how we think, what we believe, our personal growth, our passions, and how we act on a daily basis.
NATURE
I live and breathe nature. State or city parks are my second home. The magnificence of oceans, rivers or lakes combined with the gentle breeze rustling the majestic trees or echoing off the mountaintops sends warmth and G-d’s embrace through every muscle and tendon in my body. Give me a day with crystal clear blue heavens surrounded by grass, trees and smiling human beings and I can sit serenely, content, and satiated for hours. (The addition of your company would truly make it heaven on earth. ;-)
NON-CONFORMIST
The greatest people that I admire through history were all non-conformists and approached Hashem and Torah from a genuine authentic mindset. They gave little credence to the good opinions of others who played follow the leader or “that’s what everyone does”.
Our forefather Abraham went against everything he was taught and discovered for himself a far greater truth than was ever comprehended. The Rambam was a unique thinker who utilized all the knowledge available to him, regardless of source, to further his own unique perspective of Hashem and Torah. The Baal Shem Tov was another. Rav Simcha Bunim of Pshichst was ostracized and shunned by many because he had a unique perspective and loathed conformity which he believed robbed one of being true to the way Hashem uniquely created each one of us. Rav Soloveitchik was insistent that his students do not wear uniforms in order to not squelch their unique form of self expression.
All of them paid a price within society. However their primary devotion was to what Hashem would want from them rather than "what would people think." I am very much cut from the same cloth and I am looking for someone who appreciates this type of approach to life.
PHILOSOPHY OF RELIGION
I have a great love for the Philosophy of Judaism. In particular I am still waiting for someone to show me how Rav Heschel's (one of my all time favorite spiritual trailblazers) worldview is not normative Orthodox Torah Judaism. His depth of understanding and connection to the sublime combined with his poetic soul and great respect for logic and intellect makes him one of my favorites.
Check out these gems from him:
“Only those will apprehend religion who can probe its depth, who can combine intuition and love with the rigor of method.”
“The worship of reason is arrogance and betrays a lack of intelligence. The rejection of reason is cowardice and betrays a lack of faith.”
Then of course there is the brilliance and independent spirit of Rav Soloveitchik whose seminal work, The Lonely Man of Faith, speaks volumes just with its title. How beautiful a concept is the divergent Meta needs between Majestic man and Covenantal man.
The only living Rabbi that I admire on that level is Rabbi Jonathan Sacks. His theme of Dignity of Difference runs through all his writings. How powerful a phrase and the most difficult to put into affect. Realizing that respecting differences is a Divine call, since G-d is the originator of each and every unique mindset and personality, is a fundamental part of faith that unfortunately is sorely lacking today.
PERSONALITY TYPES
I am a passionate fan of Myers Briggs and the 16 personality types. I am an INFJ and I would love to know what personality type you are. I feel that it’s a crucial aspect in understanding each others' needs and modes of communication along with our core Meta needs. You can take the test here:
http://www.kisa.ca/personality/
Primarily I am looking for an INFJ / ENFJ but I might be open to a few other types if you feel that what I am describing in my profile mirrors your approach and mindset towards life.
This is what I am looking for in a mate:
OPEN AND LOVING VS. FEARFUL AND SUSPICIOUS
A very important aspect of who I am and how I relate to people is the concept of being open and loving versus fearful and suspicious when we encounter a stranger or a potential date. Unfortunately there is too much hurt and anger in the world and in particular the dating arena. Fear and suspicion has become the norm and is considered acceptable and prudent.
I believe it is a choice. The pain inflicted by someone yesterday is not indicative of someone else’s intentions tomorrow. If we fill our worldview with fear and suspicion it creates a terrible atmosphere and certainly one that is contrary to building a loving and trusting relationship.
Whereas when one approaches all people and situations with love, it depersonalizes all the negative hyperbole and makes us see the humanity of the struggling or suffering human being who may be lashing out in pain or is just trying to feel secure.
Being open and loving in how you date, break-up, and deal with difficult people is a crucial element in our possible compatibility.
FEAR IN RELIGION
That fear is also ingrained in almost every aspect of our lives. For many, religion has become an agent for fear. Any neutral tool that can be utilized for positive and negative purposes is automatically suspect and labeled as an “evil”. It’s so crucial to teach people and children how to grow and elevate themselves so they can make wise decisions when utilizing the tools of this world.
The worse type of fear is when we teach our children and now adults that they cannot trust their own judgment, intuition, or discernment. That somehow it is a necessity to live one's life led by the judgment of others be it shadchonim, mentors, or Rabbis. When it comes to your personal life Hashem wants you to have the ability to determine right from wrong. Of course you will make mistakes but those mistakes are crucial building blocks in your personal growth and enable you to learn and do better next time.
TRUTH SEEKER
Having an insatiable curiosity about life, Hashem, the Torah, the human mind, the world, and being an independent and dedicated truth seeker is crucial as well. There is no one I wouldn’t speak to, no person that I wouldn’t be open to having a discussion with.
The problem is that too often people get so tied up in their dogma that they are willing to sacrifice truth in the name of what they perceive to be “the one and only way.” It's too bad that they ignore the concept of Shivim Panim L’Torah – that there are seventy faces or facets to the Torah and each and everyone is Ailu V'ailu Divrei Elokim Chaim – each pathway is the true word of our living G-d.
If you love G-d with your heart, soul, and core being then you know that G-d is the G-d of truth and there is no fear that someone else will tell you something that disproves your core beliefs. I have had quite a number of extraordinary conversations with people from every religious stripe and background inside and outside of Judaism.
Having wide ranging conversations with people who have very misguided or uninformed views of what Torah and Judaism is all about has left them startled to hear an Orthodox Jew (lil ole me) express a perspective of Torah Judaism that is all about love, freedom of expression, and respecting our innate uniqueness.
It’s all fascinating to me and after every conversation it greatly reinforces (for them and myself) the beauty and wisdom of the Torah and our Jewish heritage.
EMOTIONAL HEALTH
To be very honest I find the biggest obstacle in dating is emotional health. People have a hard time letting go of the hurt and anger they experience in their lives. Emotional health is a crucial constant pursuit that allows one to have a healthy interdependent relationship.
Communication is the cornerstone of a relationship. Ease in expressing your thoughts and feelings while knowing and understanding your needs, is crucial. Establishing healthy boundaries is a fundamental but often neglected part of creating healthy relationships.
Having established that caveat, being giving, affectionate, nurturing, easily forgiving, and doing things beyond what is expected or "fair", is what builds true love and an attitude of gratitude for each other.
THAT’S IT!
Whew! You made it to the end. Now you are at a crossroads. Should you write to me or not? Hmmm…
Let’s try and break it down. First of all, no matter what, I respond to everyone that writes to me. Secondly, even if for whatever reason we might not be compatible for marriage if you are passionate about some of the subjects I have written about I am always open to talking to and meeting like minded individuals. I feel that we grow so much from our encounters with people who have unique perspectives and something to teach us or help us with some new insight. So if you are friendly and are open to new friendships with like minded individuals please go right ahead and zip over that email to me. ;-)
Lastly, if you feel we might be potential soulmates, Chosen Kallah material, travel mates on the wondrous voyage of life… are you kidding me??? What the heck are you waiting for?!?!?! Write my dear, WRITE! ;-)
For everyone else I truly wish for you to find that special someone that really gets you and gives you the love you deserve. I know some of us have been out in this wilderness for a while and at times it can feel hopeless. Please don’t ever give up hope. I have seen it too many times how folks who have been single for years finally found the right one. It’s just a question of reaching our growth level or accomplishing certain tasks that Hashem has planned for us and then He zips our bashert right over.
So congratulations on the imminent discovery of your soulmate! He is just around the corner!
Hatzlocha! ;-)
8 comments:
Hello,
I belong to an INFJ group on Facebook who forwarded your letter out to all its members. Your letter (and blog) is well-written and seemingly heartfelt - I wish you luck!
I'm a 45 year old Catholic woman, married for 25 years to the man G-d intended for me. He's an ENFP, so don't rule them out of your dating circle!
I wish I knew someone for you, but most of my friends are my age and our daughter, who just so happens to live in Manhattan at the moment, is only eighteen. ;)
You've made me curious to read some of the spiritual philosophers you've mentioned. Your approach to Judaism seems flavored by Buddhism - would you say that's true? I know my own approach to Catholicism (which I lapse in practicing periodically) is definitely 'outside the box'.
Best of luck in life and love!
Hey Amy,
Thanks for commenting and the well wishes, I really appreciate it. ;-)
A few women from that group have written to me that they are INFJ’s married to ENFP’s. I can clearly see how that is a great match as some of my best friends are ENFP’s. I wonder if the dynamic is different with a male ENFP and a female INFJ versus a female ENFP with a male INFJ?
As far as my spiritual philosophy I believe that I have taken it strictly from within Judaism. Buddhism does have some wonderful qualities that I think are universal to all. But if you would really like to better understand my philosophical approach to Judaism you can check out this facebook group called Followers of Rabbi Simcha Bunim of Peshischa
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=37905542320
You raise an interesting question. If you take sex into consideration, does the dynamic of a relationship based on the Myers-Briggs personality traits change compatibility? While there might be some subtle differences due to 'typical' male/female role models, I think compatibility doesn't change much. Strawberries are going to pair well with chocolate, for the most part, regardless of where the strawberries were grown and what sort of chocolate is being used.
To refresh my memory, I went back to a Myers-Briggs site and read up on the personalities in regard to relationships. According to that site, I'm paired with one of the two optimal personalities for me - either an ENFP or an ENTP. The reason they're optimal is because they approach life and people iNtuitively as we do, so we can relate on that level, but their extroversion challenges us and their enthusiasm and playfulness keeps things fresh.
I went to the FB group "Followers of Rabbi Simcha Bunim of Peshischa" and had a brief look around, but I have to scoot to work and didn't have time to really look around. From what I could discern, I'd have to do a lot of foundational reading about Judaism before I could truly benefit from some of the writing suggested there. In the five minutes I was reading, there were at least five terms used that were completely foreign to me! Any suggestions?
That last comment was from me again (Amy) - I don't know what I did differently that it came up with just an "a". I'm not as internet savvy as I once was.
Amy,
My experience with ENFP's has been incredible - as friends. I find that with fellow INFJ's I can connect on a higher level. The EP and IJ energies are quite different. Its contemplative versus experiential in how one filters the world. I find that a fellow contemplative works best for me in a dating relationship. I posted a couple of articles on the boards about how INFJ's with INFJ's can make a great couple.
As far as the philosophy of Reb Simcha Bunim, you are right that it would require a familiarity with Orthodox Judaism. Sorry about that. There are many different legitimate approaches to the Bible in Judaism. I would like to think that one could be a Christian and also have a unique perspective that may be different from the mainstream.
G-d created us all as unique individuals so it makes sense that religion is not one size fits all. But its important the our connection to G-d is not based on our own ego driven self interest or influenced by political correctness or by dogma that puts itself above truth. If we are authentic truth seekers we can connect with G-d the way He meant us to connect with Him. Especially for us INFJ's, we are such spiritual beings.
Amy,
Check out this article about compatibility among personality types:
http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/do-opposites-attract-compatibility-and-your-myers-briggs-personality-type-263482.html
Two key points:
"In a 1981 study, researcher Ruth Sherman found that differences on the Extraversion/Introversion scale caused the most conflict in long-term relationships. In particular, combinations of Extraverted women with Introverted men caused frustration, perhaps because this dynamic goes against our traditional concept of the man being the more expressive and dominant partner. However, this effect was found in a study that is over 20 years old. As we become more progressive in our relationships and more open to equality, differences in this preference area may become less important."
"Some types are more likely to marry a person of their exact same type; this includes male INFPs, INFJs and INTPs and female ENFJs and INFJs."
Yitzsmile,
I found the article "Do Opposites Attract?" very interesting, not just in regard to romantic relationships, but also applied to relationships in general. As you mentioned, you have great relationships with ENFPs as friends and I find that to be my experience as well. Extroverts help me be more social by 'taking up the torch', so to speak, and making that extra effort to get me involved. I've always told people, "I'm better in text"! ;) Even before instant messaging and texting, I was the girl who preferred passing notes to talking.
For me, the most difficult relationships are not those involving Extroversion vs. Introversion, but Sensing vs. Intuitive and Judging vs. Feeling. I was raised by "Sensing Judgers" and know I felt very misunderstood as a child. Even now, I’m very sensitive to what I perceive as exasperation from SJs who seem to find the way I approach life as ‘having my head in the clouds’.
I'm curious - do people seem surprised when you describe yourself as introverted? I get that quite a bit because I’m not shy at all - just reserved - but can only tolerate so much interaction before I need to be alone.
As for INFJs being very spiritual, I agree. While I wouldn’t describe myself as religious one, I do consider myself spiritual. Catholicism is not a perfect fit for me despite my being raised in that faith. In fact, Christianity is not the perfect fit for me, in general, as I have doubts about the divinity of Jesus, but that's a whole other discussion. I'm uncertain about much when it comes to dogma, but what I know is that I am a creation of G-d's and He desires a relationship with me. I'm humbled by and find great joy in this.
>>G-d is not based on our own ego driven self interest or influenced by political correctness or by dogma that puts itself above truth>>
I'm in perfect agreement with you on this and couldn't have said it better!
The article to which you referred me - did you stumble upon it or are you receiving "must reads" from the Facebook INFJ group to which we both belong? I'll admit to not being very good about visiting the group often, but I'll make a point of it in the future if that's where you became aware of the article.
-Amy
(who keeps forgetting how she logged in on here! :P)
Amy,
Yup, folks are surprised to hear that I am an introvert because when I am in public I don't seem like one. Its a very basic misunderstanding that equates being introverted with being shy, which is not true at all. Introversion and extroversion is an indicator where we derive our energy from. An introvert can be the life of the party, but afterwards s/he needs some quiet time to recharge their batteries. An extrovert is charged by being in public and draws energy from public interaction where it drains the introvert.
I am fascinated with your take on Christianity, particularly that you were brought up with it. You hit on the only issue that Judaism has with Christianity and that is the notion of G-d as a human being. G-d specifically warns against that in the prohibition of idolatry. I think its wonderful that you used your natural discernment to disagree with something that does not feel true to you. Life is all about separating the wheat from the chaff.
If your heart is open and uncluttered by ego-driven desires, political correctness and societal pressure, being a truth seeker will lead you to a spirituality that intuitively feels right and true for you. That is the reason I am such a big fan of the group (Reb Bunim of Peshischa) that I gave you a link to. Their principles are all about being completely authentic and against conformity and pride which removes authenticity.
I strongly encourage you to actively seek a better understanding and closer connection to G-d, regardless of the fact that it is an individual journey and not group or community based. At the end of the day its about your relationship with G-d, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
The following is the basic underpinnings of any spiritual or religious journey. They are very much common sense and the foundation of all major religions.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Laws_of_Noah
One of my all time favorite spiritual philosophy books is, G-d in search of man: A philosophy of Judaism by Abraham Joshua Heschel. I believe that Rav Heschel was an INFJ (not confirmed) and he poetically lays down a deeper understanding of G-ds relationship with us. The book is a breathtakingly beautiful and heartfelt description of G-d's love and connection to us. I love that he utilizes both logic and intuition equally in laying out mans encounter with G-d.
If you choose to read it, let me know what you think, I would be very happy to discuss it with you.
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